Waiting for Spring,

Yesterday felt like Spring and my body responded with a joy I have not felt since my friend died, glad I could still feel that Joy, I love spring my favorite season, rebrth, I have decided to plant a tree for my friend in the spring to remember her by and honor her she loved trees.
My mediatating words this year are , rejuvenate, folow-through and Hope!
Trying to make use of evry minute I have, good use happy use!

end of day

This is it for me for today I was up as usual at 2 A.m. I love early morning, but that makes for early bedtimes, But soon it will be spring here and I will go back tomore normal sleeping pattern, as I like to ride Bike at night after work so I have to stay up later.
I had a ok day today, not as depressed over my friend, I was productive all day and followed through on things I didn't want to do, so I give myself a B for todays progress back into the land of the living.
I make so many errors while writng this , but I am not going to fix them, I don't want to interupt my thought flow, I can't type worht beans and that doesn't help, but though I am well read and well spoken I always hated grammer in school, have always just wanted to use my own Puncuation and now a days can't spell woth shit, even though I won spelling bee's I don't know why my spelling has gone down hill so bably as I read all the time and also write a lot, letters and a hard journal, oh well who cares, I don't at this point in my life all I care about is waking up another day!
Goodnight little Blog!

Death Watch

Ever since My friend died six weeks ago suddenly, I feel like I am on a death watch, I just have the feeling if she could dy so suddenly who is next, I hate that feeling, I want to feel as a child feels free from the burden of thoughts of gloom and doom, I watch my 2 year old grandchild and she is so happy witht he little things and is care free, except for where her next bottle is coming from, I find myself wishing I could drwon my thoughts and fears in a bottle also, but I don't drink or even like to drink, so that is out, guess I have to face my pain, I just hate it though and I wish people would stop saying inane things like she is in a better place, If one more person says that to me I swear I will slap them, sshe would want to be here not in a better place, I find that to be no comfort at all, thanks for those of you who have written me, I just don't know how to reply to you yet, this is all knew to me.

another day

Well, another cold morning, can't wai for spring, I always feel so closed up when it is cpld, my body even feels closed.
I read a interesting story in New yorker last night about a man who gave away Millions of his fortune and then gave away his kidney and wanted to give away more body parts, course he couldn't but he wanted to.
I had just beeen thinking before I read that story that I have a socialist mentality, I have never thought that some people should own six houses when the rest of us do not even own anything, why do you need six houses anyways?????
I have always admired Tolstoy and others like him, even christ preached a socialist message, if I was rich I would never keep it I would give to others and not just charities, I would give to people I kknow to make there life better.
on another subject, I keep forgetting for a moment my friend has died and want to call her, I guess that is common when you lose someone suddenly.
I never thought that she wuld be gone for a good many years never mind gone from me in such a short time I had just given her her Birthday present and had her christmas gifts wrapped, her birthday was Dec. 6th and she died Dec. 13th.

autonamy

I Like the idea of writing when I am unknown it frees me from all my inhibitions, I think this will help.
Glad I started this, I hope eventually I find my voice and can ad something interesting to read about.

Where do I go from Here

All my life I did not feel like, I belonged in this world, , This world feels foriegn to me and the people who inhibit it , like strangers to me sometimes, My feelings never seem to match up to others, like how ever since I was young, I have always been for the underdog, no matter how bad the crime, I always feel somehow bad for the criminal, not that I think what they do is right, of course I don't but, I just feel bad for them that they did something bad and will now have to be punished for it, I know this is not acceptanle but it is how I feel, my phychitrist once told me if someone tried to kill you, you would ask for a paper and pen to write a sucide note so he wouldn't have to go to Jail.
I wonder at the reason behind my thinking often. I have never felt predjudice that I know of at least, I am far from perfect though and have many mistakes in my life, nothing serious though, and i am not a person who even thinks I am perfect, I just which I knew why I have so much empathy.
I recently lost my best friend to a sudden death and with out her here in the world, I feel lost and that is why I started to write this Blog, she was my sounding board, now I am left with no one I can talk with and just refelect over ideas.
I don't want this to be ordered I just want to randomly express my feelings on things from current issues to my personal struggles.